[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”