Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
You Might Also Like
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.