My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
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Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
They’re called werewolves.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed