I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
God: They will have a powerful immune system
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine