I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.