me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
You Might Also Like
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up