Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
thinking about a very short hotdog
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me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.