Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie