This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright