She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
You Might Also Like
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.