interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Who does Amazon think I am?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.