On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
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When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
This is the best one I’ve seen
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore