You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
i think both sides are to blame here
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies