*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday