*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
what the
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican