My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.