Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
cats when you pet them too long:
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am