Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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jesus christ confetti not now
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol