Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
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I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Word!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here