PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t