just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.