“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*