[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems