[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.