If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
finally found a reasonable question
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Owl Sanctuary
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Thoughts
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently