SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.