Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.