I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
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Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
So that’s what we looked like?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Awesome parenting 😂
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked