All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.