Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
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her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!