Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
barbara was highly relatable