My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
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[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.