*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Sooo many times…..
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday