I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.