Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
The Book. The Movie.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
How much for the goth pool noodles?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to