Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.