Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
You Might Also Like
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
is it earth
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.