[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I told my vodka about you.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.