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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.