Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Never ghost your hitman.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me