I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.