Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”