[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
You Might Also Like
I put the h in mysterious.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
This is my emotional support knife.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order