[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.