i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
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[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Oh yeah that’s it
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
a badder mouse
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her