[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Pat is about to own someone
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.