Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

guys I’m going home

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.