[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay