Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
(Jupiter –
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
awesome draft from months ago i just found
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what