The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
smartest karate player in the world
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it