My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Good morning.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird