You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
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People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.