The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.