Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Weirdos gonna weird.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
fair
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.